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IV

The laboured subject. The failure to attend. The trred and decrepit old sow who had n o business being in that job, didn’t force me to it.

But thye situation has come to a head. I Am no longer on the dole.

Fact.

In Preparation for the 18th July now openiong doorways and gates as new lines open D tyo you ion the fierld. OK so it was a long wait.

I suppose the wind said it all; perhaps that’s really what its about. Their callous indifference illustrates so much, and the density of the environment is obscene. Rose’s breasts spurred me on through the morning. Three extra copies of the Economic American as well, and the notes for Dave. Big Fear…. (pause) in the Now is the q underlyhing all of this; the stoic and the electric commitment but also a testing ground for this inner world to revesl itself again anew.

I sleep for four hours; days and weeks of nervous energy falling away has sent me to sleep, near exhausted. How much do I ned to recover? Just how over tired have I become? Should I have waited, been more patient? Michael sys to do with the whole subject as I once did with Donovan. That does not feel like its going to be easy. However, it may be no more difficult than trying to get my head round it all. Now I am “free””

In anoher world; same world. Sleep, drifting me to sleep. 11.33 pm now. A very restful sleep. Acres of stress melting away.

Praps I’ve pushed it too far? The stress and strain of thinking it all through; the what have I done hasn’t quite hit and I hope it doesn’t. A New Venture I suppose is now imminent. Begun. I feel a bit sick. Tired I suppose, plus need something going on. If there was a vluc I could go out to I would until 4 a.m but is there anywhere open? I dare not ask the obvious question as I feel the way I hve been told to approach it is best. That said, not very happy about the sick feeling. One a.m. Letters to Luminaria and Rose and Mocha and now Kren Jade and also the philosophy gent. Not sure where I am going. What or how. Late now. Cloudy. No moon. Big day “tomorrow” today? Nest steps maybe I will find out something. E 8. That’s what it has all come down to now.

Oddly this is helping at a level more clearly than I thought it would. Tomorrow, Sarah and some new dynamics. Today, memories that will day by day subside. Have I the energy and hoopla to attract the levels required. Could it really be that through all of this sustaining the inner dialogue a REAL WAY has emerged? Levels ARE REALLY styrong enough and HIGh enough to attract the right support. I dunno. Seems like there is so much positive hidden in it all. Theres a lot happening. The book publishing is fascinating. The time is beginning to feel more and more right. I dos o hope that this level of it is a match for my current energy nd not counterproductive. It feels good to be feeling this. I can just feel the inner confidence. What a day. No wonder I am tired! Could sleep be the key?